fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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