So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
