Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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