just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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