if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Actions speak louder than pants.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Dicks are not precious.
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