Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
