I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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