I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I can't put those talents on a resume
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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