Are we in a gay sports bar?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
