In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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