I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
