I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
