i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
