Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
