I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
