I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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