Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
