please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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