happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
