For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
