Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
