highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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