Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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