Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
