How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
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