my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize