finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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