Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
