If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
