I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
