Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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