Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Operation Purity has been aborted
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
