Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
