I'm jealous of your bromance
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
