im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
