physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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