The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
he puts the penis in happiness.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
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I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book