There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
