I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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