Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
