just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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