He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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