Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
