It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
