my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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