remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
