Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
