Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
