I skipped work to stalk him.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
