I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
She has the best kind of daddy issues
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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