she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
