a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
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