This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
