Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
