Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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