mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I need water and some morals
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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